I've slept with so many tools that you'd think my pussy was Home Depot.
Too bad it's not "confirm, ignore or not unless I've had 20+ beers"
I just ran from Santa Claus in Kroger
I had his cock in my mouth and he still wouldn't shut up about Star Wars.
Oh no I would never do that to her. But when you're single again let me know. Cheating penis is definitely better than single penis. But she has claws.
It's a goat... but where the fuck did it come from?
I'm gonna have to get you a special blowjob bib -- like a lobster bib -- but instead of a picture of a little red lobster, it will have a picture of a penis, with 3 big squirts coming out.
Can I even tell you how badly I want a day that is just on and off napping and sex with intermittent snack breaks? Because I want that day very badly.
I have never seen a more amazing text message in my entire life.
You haven't demanded nudes today. You alright?
I told her I was going to masterbate myself into a coma... We have another date on Thursday.
if it wasn’t 100% before, it is now that i will most definitely die a quesadilla related death
In order to save time, dignity and liver damage, wanna get naked?
Stop confusing me with every girl you know that doesn't like sex.
First he fixed my gutter. Then he flogged me and fucked me. Then he bought me a new vacuum cleaner. I don't understand Daddy Dom stuff but I ain't mad at it.
The last thing I remember was them slipping shots into my beer bong, and me being happy about it
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