I need a secretary to manage my drinking schedule.
I started making breakfast to subdue the hangover and last of the shrooms and only got as far as eating a half frozen pierogi out of a dixie cup.
all im saying is that if he was a normal person, he would have fucked me by now.
when the song champagne showers came on you poured some kids beer over his head... while giving him a lap dance
I sat down next to him and my bra just unhooked itself
If I don't have the money by then, I'll pay you in sex.
It's going to be 23.5 times of sex and 19 blow jobs. I just googled it.
We can put you in charge of something
I can be in charge of being more wasted than anyone there so everyone feels comfortable being ridiculous
I slept with someone only because he got my Simon Birch impression. It was a new low.
I've got the dick your vagina needs, but not the one it deserves right now.
It's like they're playing jeopardy and the category is "things that make women dry."
EMERGENCY FRIEND CRISIS: WE HAVE TOO MUCH WHISKEY. ABORT HANGING OUT WITH MELISSA, RECOMMEND TO HANG OUT WITH OUR WHISKEY INSTEAD
To this day, I regret not having sex in the bathroom
He sent me a meme at 3am. Usually guys just send me booty calls that late. I think I'm in love
I'm trying to find a place to hide weed in my mother in law's house...
Married life problems?
I'm just going to take a nap and hope I wake up more attractive.
Randomize
