Lesson learned: don't hide your vodka in your little brothers toy box.
Im bringing wine tonight. Its from a merlot from nashville. i bet it'll taste like infidelity and teenage pregnancy.
ok, im coming! i just found some lemon square in my bangs, washing that out..this shit is all over me! was i in a pie eating contest?
yes
did i win? did you like my outfit? or should i change, if you were horny would you bang me?
advice for life: when the cop takes your tallboy, don't ask for your coozy back
My math professor just asked us to draw the graph of the derivative of our drunkenness from friday to sunday. Dear Jesus this looks bad.
I got mine. It's a truly beautiful penis. Plus he pulled his tongue muscle on my vagina.
I was thrown in the air atleast 3 times by baby jesus
Ummm Im the uneducated alcoholic of the group... if I say its a bad idea, its probably a bad idea.
I think ur a lot drunker then u think u are. That girl has the body of a cartoon character and not in a good way.
So note to self oboe reeds soaked in Apple Rubinoff sound GREAT.
The best part of Easter was watching all his colorblind cousins try to find the eggs.
BOOM BITCH SERVES YOU RIGHT I HOPE YOU SHIT YOURSELF PETER PAN
I'll just go on tinder. Seeking strong male to help take apart ikea furniture and move. I'll touch your dick.
hold on i need to sex proof my eyelashes. thank godd for waterproof mascara
I'm eating an ice cream cone and pooping. Don't know how I'm gonna wipe.
Randomize
