don't worry. When rigor sets in, we'll make sure to get you laid one last time.
Heard it's your birthday. I can't send pictures, but go ahead and imagine my balls.
Hey! Thanks for asking, but it didnt go well. He threw up in the car on the way to dinner. Blind dates arent for everyone.
well as your friend its only fair to offer my cock for your services. Cause I care.
Whiskey shot with bacon bits, our version of Goldschlager WE ARE TRYIN IT.
lets just use each other and get past this awkward stage. forget my name.
It's all fun and games until you throw up hot cheetos in your drawer.
I never should have let my cousin and his pregnant girlfriend move in with me. I'm never having sex again. They scare off men more than 'my dream wedding' pin board.
So glad I decided to show up and puke in your trashcan.
These are the moments that bond souls forever.
I don't think that calm, have their shit together people actually exist.
I want an apology pizza with SORRY IM A DOUCHE spelled out on it in pepperoni
Nothing says "i love you" more than flowers and potatoes
I'm drunk still and I cried and now I'm watching Whitney Houston singing the national anthem and I'm crying more
We had an argument over whether or not she had super strength. She settled it by dragging me to the bed room and throwing me on the bed. Then forcefully fucking me. She won the argument.
I gave him one of my famous hand jobs.
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