3 different guys in my psych class know me as 3 different names and said hi to me with all 3 different names-Andrea, Grace, and Bella
I've never been more proud of you
The reason halloween exists is because it's not cheating if you're wearing a costume.
it always starts out as a suggestion then three hours later I have cum in my eye.
I stopped understanding conversations unrelated to vodka two vodkas ago.
Just found the last picture of me as a virgin. Framed it.
I almost had to fight a bird, and you know how scared I am of birds. It found that Percocet that I lost in the grass last week, I threw out my back when I launched myself at that little fucker.
we need to invent and abuse teleportation
Stumbled across a pregnancy test in my closet. Oh, the freshman year flashbacks..
He tried to break dance on the island in the kitchen and ended up knocking over everyone's alcohol onto the floor then yelled "GUCCI" before vomiting
I feel like I could get pregnant watching Zac Efron do yard work in this movie
Currently looking up Winnie-the-Pooh porn.
I love you man but my hope is that you will not wake me up again by pissing on me
Yeah, oh and the story gets better. His friend was dressed as a christmas tree wrapped in twinkle lights and had to plug himself in the wall all night.
i was so proud for not passing out at the same time as usual. i screamed that i had a "new personal best!" then some jackass explained daylight savings.
just threw up in a gas staton parking lot in front of a father and son. stared them in the eyes and finished like a boss
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