So I had sex in the woods... it was just as dirty as you'd expect it would be.. and not in a good way.
he got promoted. that means i have now given my new boss chlaymida. i need a new job.
Just found pics of us from Mardi Gras last year. Your boob job really is better than mine.
Just found out the guy that gave me herpes died. now everytime I get a flare up, it'll be like he's coming back to say hello
Just went through the drive thru and got 18 free donuts in exchange for half a joint. Dunkin Donuts at midnight might become a nightly thing for us.
I'm thinking he has to buy me dinner at least twice before i even start considering casting him for "Fuck buddy - understudy."
There's something very strange about masturbating in a hotel room. I feel like I'm cheating on my room...
You're telling me he never had to ask for a blow job and he STILL broke up with you? I call bullshit on that one.
He passed out. I tried to set his chest hair on fire.
Last year you twerked on my Christmas tree and threw up all over the bathroom...in front of my parents. We should probably keep power hour to ONLY an hour this year
He's got the most well kempt beard I've ever seen and I need it between my thighs is basically what I'm saying
he answered his phone during sex and left to go help that drama queen with her latest bullshit. I'm drinking all his vodka. it's asshole tax
His sister gave me the "if you hurt him I will break your neck" talk. I didn't know how to tell her we're not a couple.
You weren't singing into a microphone in front of an audience. You were screaming into your fist in the check-out aisle in Walmart.
You don’t need a wing man if you have a solid hook up on the pumpkin pie
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