i was just at lovers lane looking for gifts for a bachelorette party.....with my mom
haha omg you stole $185 from a passed out drunk indian on your porch and called the ambulance??
savin' lives aint cheap
Ya after that i took a dump on a car... We're definitely partying with him again
he told me he expects me to keep the fangs on when i go down on him. presumptuous, yes, but man after my own heart.
They went to the hospital to try backflips in the parking lot. Be ready for the call
dude he was laying on two half-naked chicks, as they rubbed him down with lotion, while rolling a joint. hes like a modern-day african king
I heard you were walking home with taylor with your dress completely up and your ass exposed
Yeah, that sounds like my life.
I pissed myself at the bar so I threw away my wet underwear and kept partying... you act you've never done that before
You told me "I need to pound this drinks if I'm going to pretend his dick is big enough" then left. Dollar night quotes 2012
I thought it was my alarm clock, turns out it was her vibrator still going off on the side of my face.
Question #1: Why am I on my living room floor? Question #2: Where did the bloody footprints come from? Question #3: Why are there two McChickens next to the wine bottle?
She picked me up from the bar in her underwear.
Having Father’s Day on Pride weekend is always so awkward. “Hey dad just calling to say I love you.” While I’m navigating my way through a pop up pool at a bar riding a penis floatie. Happy Father’s Day.
Sometimes you have good days, sometimes m you delete 360 screenshots off your camera roll.
I think I deserve an award for the breakup text I sent him. Like a pulitzer prize or a donut or something.
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