WTF. you left me with no condoms and you ate all my mac and cheese. scumbag.
Sorry for talking about super scientific shit so much last night, I know it bugs you sometimes when I don't shut up.
What? You sat on the couch for a solid 2 hours staring at your fingerprints and the only word that came out of your mouth was "how"
it was just fiscally responsible to stop going to strip clubs where the strippers recognized me
I miss the days when all my weekends consisted of were 69 and crunchwraps
It honestly wasnt my fault this time. i was in shock. WHO THE FUCK OWNS A PEACOCK?!
Only mom could turn an abortion day into a shopping day
I thought he was kidding when he said pretend to be a dunkin donut delivery women. This is the last time I ever role play.
gave myself the "you're a really good girlfriend" talk on the way to where i intentionally cheated on him. i am my own drunken therapist.
My roommate made me go home after I mooed at fat girls at the gas station.
Also, I'm going to yoga because I have a Taylor Swift range of emotions right now.
About to go get a free burrito for kissing a bald man in public
There is a special place in Hell for whichever one of you put Ben Gay on my dildo. It was a very uncomfortable April 1.
Everyone thinks I'm sleeping but I'm actually just melting.
He got up in the middle of the show and returned with this massive ham shank, then offered me some by asking "wanna suckle on my hog." Should I be offended?
Were we still high when we decided to break your leg?
Randomize
