i probably shouldve stopped when i uncurled the curly straw in my cocktail because it was slowing me down
As I sit on the toilet at 4 am I realize tonight could have gone a lot better
You crawled through a doggy door 5 times for a shot if cheap vodka.
You said that about some fat chick sitting on the base of a lamp post and puking. Downright heroic.
Ecstasy should be its own food group.
Matt just ate a burger out of the trash can in front of the McDonalds. We need to have a serious talk about his drinking.
I fucking hate you. Some slutty looking drunk chick backed her ass up across the bar and started grinding on you. You ignored her because you didn't want to share you drink
I care about my drink far more than her feelings
He told her Jesus wouldnt yell curse or degrade her. He'd just simply shake his head and slap the shit out of her
He said he wanted to start giving out "sex souvenirs". I got a poster with a penguin on it.
My housemates are judging me because I'm high at 8am and making Spongebob shaped Mac and Cheese
They know nothing, John Stoned.
Dude you're fine. You're 5 minutes away from your house and you're eating fig newtons
I remember eating bacon bits off your chest that night... I'll never look at bacon pizza the same way
JUST DENIED A NEW YEARS KISS BECAUSE HE WAS A COWBOYS FAN.
Actually, my eyes didn't start bleeding until the next day. So it was a pretty awesome night overall.
I think I recall josh coming in to the room to tuck us in and give us a few condoms and I threw them back all furious and told him 'we don't use those.' Oh god
Randomize
