The vibrating part of my dildo broke, now I have to rely on gyration.
Dude someone changed all the contacts in my phone to I Like Eggs
Fun Fact: The stage were about to graduate on is where we once drove a van and kidnapped someone.
Fun Fact 2: My parents are sitting by the bushes I peed in this weekend.
He held me the entire night. Not endearing kind of way. Like kidnapping or held hostage kind of way.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
If I can't pick up a cat lady, I probably need to turn to Internet dating.
Fuck you, jack daniels. I feel like satan laid an egg in my brain.
No clues in my phone. Only dialed call: my own social security number. And that was before 10:00pm.
Next time he asks to wax your nipple while you're passed out I promise I'll be sober enough to intervene.
hey give me heads up if you're feeling vulnerable tomorrow night
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I don't know which is worse, the fact that his name is Kevin or the fact that he has a pornstache.
I ate 2 pot cookies before we left the house. Fuck Pokemon. I'm playing my own game.
I just woke up hand cuffed to the bar and shirtless, so yeah I think I need you to come get me.
I can't believe my vagina just got wished happy new year
It was great. Except he kept asking me to lick his butthole, I was like firm no
On a scale of 1-10 I’m at biblical violence
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