Can we please have a moment of silence for my reputation?
I miss old school porno. There just isn't any love in porn these days.
Plus apparently whenever one of her friends loses their virginity they get a party with a funfetti cake which I found funny
she "accidentally" hit me with her car, its almost as if she know im fucking her boyfriend.
Remember...the emancipation proclimation is your favorite document, you love asian women, japanese food is the tits, and you willfully employ as many latinos as possible...
i just like, need to vent to someone
Can we skip the part where I pretend to care and fast forward to the appreciative blowjob from you?
i actually pissed myself from laughing when I saw the old man in lingerie carrying a spiderman purse. I dont know if he was real or if it was the tequila, but my head hurts.
Dude I was taking a shower and I kept looking down at the drain expecting Mario to come up, yell "It's a me, Mario!", tickle my balls, and go back down the drain.
I don't know if I want to live in a world where i can't fuck an exes brother.
Wouldn't life be so much easier if you could just walk up to attractive men and say, "Let me bear your children" and it wouldn't be creepy?
Or possibly end in a restraining order?
earned some solid air miles from the plan B I just bought. #silverlinings
he went down on me while I ate Oreos. I don't know what caused the orgasm.
I described my life as a 7 layer cake of death
Grandma is high again and locked herself in the house
The night got way more interesting after Jimmy started doing summersaults in front of the bar.
Randomize
