I woke up, mistook him for my ex, and started screaming. It was all that chest hair. I don't think this relationship is going anywhere.
i want you to feel like i'm letting you into my heart, not just my vagina.
you asked the guy at 7-11 if he remembered when you came in and threw news paper every where... then you did it again
All signs point to mom being high. 1) making chicken at 2 am. 2) dancing to smooth jazz. 3) she asked where the peanut butter was
just had a flashback of you pouring champagne into my mouth from someones balcony..
im calling her cock vulture from now on
One of two things would happen: He'd love it, or you'd get a restraining order.
No, the real question is if you drink like I drink why WOULDN'T you wear a cape.
why does CNN give a flying $@*# about the royal baby so, so much?
i hope they name him Joffrey
I bit my tongue so hard I left a deep imprint. Fuck you tongue, stop getting in the way of food.
I'm on the porch day drinking and the neighbor is in his yard screaming about his amazing sandwiches, maybe we should move.
This country song on the radio just had a rap break. What. No. Why.
The housekeeper found my huge dildo under the bathroom sink, and another in the living room. I can't get much more single than this.
And thanks for putting me in that safety position on the bathroom floor while I was spooning the toilet
I drank all the wines... and all th Doritos. Whilst watching Fat Camp. I need to reassess my values.
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