You dirty dirty liar I like the way you twitter
saw "Pah-jure" lube. Thought of you. Wearing the same clothes to work tomorrow.
I stayed in, ate a pint of Hagen daas and watched a movie about aids. Soooooooo single.
You're always adorable, but when you're drunk, you're like Chia Pet adorable.
Nothing like a little anal leakage to start off Sunday morning. Can't decide if that speaks well of my weekend or not...
Working out to an exercise video on OnDemand. Also, drinking beer and eating cream cheese with a side of bagel in between stretches.
I am three bowls, two beers, and a muscle relaxer into babysitting. What are you doing.
So my niece decided to play "lets make shapes out of your bruises" with me and told me that one of them looks like a shark bite. Bravo, sir. Bravo.
There is someone hissing in the hallway. Not even a typo. Not pissing. Hissing. Like a large cat. Or a komodo dragon.
When i sexted him a pic of my boobs I was worried he was going to notice the dorito crumbs and know I was just eating topless
I woke up in a tutu and topless. How was your night?
FUCK YOU AND YOUR WEAK ASS EYEBROWS
We're ordering chinese food so if you want to get on this obesity train answer me now.
Never do acid then ask for a blow job while watching 28 Days Later. Heed my advice.
It was all good until his cat started licking my nipple along with him
She lured me back to her place with pizza and tits. I was totally helpless
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