It must have been true love
I don't call true love eating a bag of doritos and then going down on each other
I gave him a blowie and after he said he wanted to send a giftbasket to the girl we met through.
just hooked up with an air force officer in a hotel room paid for by the military. i feel like i should go around thanking taxpayers for the assist.
She gave me a bj in her parent's kitchen while I ate the rest of her mom's birthday cake. Fuck. Yes.
I think my vagina was keeping me fat all these years out of self preservation. It's like she knew what would happen if I lost the weight.
When the cops knocked on the door, he just knocked back and announced "house keeping"
this is a reminder to untag myself in the picture of me flashing the photographer in the morning.
You better of fucked him last night or do it now because he is buying all the roommates McDonald's.
Food lion is just a portal. Cheetos are the goal. Its like not banging a super hot chick cause she is french. She still has the same parts just from a different box.
Now I am going to fly my toy helicopter in the dark.
I just watched in amazement as you had a full conversation about water temperature and bacteria with your pet goldfish.
The walk of shame is a lot easier when I'm at a music festival and it's 12 feet from his tent to my tent
You are living the dream.
He told me I look like a librarian today. I hope that means he has a librarian fetish or something
Disregard. He says he said I look "agrarian" today and just proceeded to compare me to Mumford and Sons. Fuck it, I'm going home and drinking
ok so i took my anxiety medication and i'm eating junior mints and i think my vagina will be ok
I wonder how drunk we can get before Christmas Caroling turns into trespassing.
He’s only in town today and our afternoon sex sesh kept getting interrupted by the neighbor’s kid yelling and screaming in the pool
Randomize
