yo - did your mom get a boob job (I think she did)
Apparently I farted on her in my sleep. Then, just to be sure she was cool, I did it again on purpose and she didnt say anything. So, WIN?
I am so horny I keep driving over the rumble strips... best half hour ever.
dont ever smoke after you drink again... i dont think ive ever seen...or heard of someone throwing up and farting at the same time. that is, if you were farting.
Just passed a guy passed out on a riding lawn mower in his front yard.
you were on ground yelling about how close the floor was to your face.
In the ER. 2nd degree burns. Drunken attempt to make gasoline scented candles.
critical mistake not lubing the nipples
So my date night ended with us watching porn with his roommate.
Ur gonna wake up early as dick tomorrow to do some responsible shit but im the one up at 3 am right now cooking brats soaked in keystone light so fuck your falling asleep ass bitch
Yeah. Rock bottom was him passing out and saying "are you putting a condom on me?" and me covering his mouth and saying shhhhh
You kept yelling "wood grain wheel" and grinding on fat chicks.
The hell is wrong with me
Seriously, you can't give someone's wife an orgasm on the dance floor of a gay nightclub and then hang out with her husband the following week
Shes 18 and still has a curfew. it was great. didnt have to worry about her still being here in the morning.
i refuse to take responsibility for eating Chuck E Cheese pizza and having any other repercussions than the shits.
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