I Once took so much Ecstacy that I tried to hug a fire.
I proposed and she said yes man.
You realize the irony of surrendering on independence day, right?
i knew it was time to break up with him once he pulled out the Halo foreplay costumes
I think when she wakes up, she'll either kill me, or laugh. I hope she laughs.
If only guys knew how much awkward ass shaving goes into making sex this good...
Lesbian chick is doing her presentation on the time she woke up on the dockside still drunk at 7 am. This is why I show up to chinese class.
ughh I puked about 4 times on metro, no one seems to like the cool design I made on my shirt
I think he just made me trade sex for my cat.
I need a kidney, not a pussy. All the pussy in the world isn't going to save my life. Keep your pussy in your pants and give me a kidney.
Went to night shots with Kayla... she punched this guy and I got his friends number. Not sure if she's the best or worst wingman ever.
I'm about to smoke a joint alone, do you want to FaceTime and pretend you're smoking it too?
Seriously. Are we going out tonight? If we're not, I'm going to put on sweatpants and do drugs.
I just saw an ad for "fair trade quinoa vodka". Fuck this world and everyone in it.
Make a note to pack something that won't catch shell casings in your cleavage
Whenever I have a bad day I just look at the negetive pregnancy test I keep in my purse and remind myself things could be alot worse.
Randomize
