at this rate if someone im actually interested in likes me back im going to die of surprise before i even get to make out with them
I am choosing my outfit based on how fast I can get it off. Please help.
You asked him to stand still, you put your leg on his shoulder, started dry humping the air
You kept telling that ginger girl, "it's not your fault, it's not your fault, it's not your fault."
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As soon as he told me I had a 'pretty laugh' I knew I'd be putting out more than I had originally planned.
We had break up sex twice. He said one was cause he had to say goodbye to both tits.
I just found cold cuts in the blender. You and beefeater can no longer have unsupervised parties.
We're going to shave my junk and take pictures of it wearing fake mustaches we found at the dollar store. They're uncannily realistic; much better than the cockstaches of my youth.
I'm mortified. After he finished, he turned to me and said,"So, what did you think of my mom?" WTF Please tell me he was not wondering about that while he was going down on me!!!
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i just stole a 8 pack of olde english 40s and 2 roles of duct tape. we are going to make edward proud tonight.
posting about faith hill is really not helping you get me into your bed
The bottle brush for the bong worked really well to clean the brownies out of the waffle maker.
Omg no hes gotta go down on me. Then itll be like my vagina has kissed the stanley cup.
Got home. Somebody tried to sell me weed on the street. I've never had to try so little to find a dealer before.
On my way home I saw a car that had "MOVE OVER PLZ" emblazoned across the windshield backwards, so people could see it in their rearview mirror
If I ever drive for Lyft or Uber I'm definitely gonna do that
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