i was just texting to let you know that my facebook chat is working again so you can talk to me more. please talk to me more.
he put a lighter in my cleavage and said "you're like another pocket!"
I think it's our patriotic duty to get high and watch the state of the union tonight
My worst case scenario tonight is that I fuck a hot Swiss girl. Let that give you perspective on my life at the moment.
The chick working the drive through at BK on New Years stuck her head out the window and told me there were no line ups for the bathrooms inside so i should go in there. I just kept squatting and peeing and told her it would prob help business.
it's only monday and im already failing all my classes. i give up. tequila tuesday is my only friend.
I need you to do me a favor and hide my sword from me tonight. I'm planning on drinking my weight in vodka and I don't trust myself enough to not run through campus screaming "I AM SPARTA!" You'll be saving me a mugshot as well as saving some innocent girls from tears.
It was kinda hard to explain to his wife why there was chocolate syrup on the ceiling.
The hypnotist is here. He has a black eye and smells like tequila.
holy fuck man...it feels like I got beat the fuck out of by death's baseball bat...chimichangas?
I blew him while the canoe was sinking...I think of it as the better version of the titanic
Once you share a nude experience with someone and three Norwegian guys, you're bound for life.
And they're not making a turkey. My cousin was "hoping to shoot a bird this week"
this makes me concerned. not enough to actually do anything about it, but yeah.
Dear Andy-the problem is not that I slept with your girlfriend, it's that you didn't know she's a lesbian.
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