This is your typical "sorry i got drunk and tried to seduce you into having sex while you were throwing up" text.
During sex he started singing that song in Forgetting Sarah Marshall--"Inside of You"--by Russell Brand
I hate when my naked walk-arounds are interrupted by someone knocking on the door
my mom just texted me to let me know that Hooters is hiring
i wish my mom had big dreams like that for me
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
His car is carseat is compatible. I checked while we were banging in the back seat...
just had to explain to the health center why i wanted 50 condoms a month.
That bitch ruined vodka saturday
There's a lady here with a big bag of dildos. I'm not sure that's appropriate bar baggage but, I like her style
You need to simmer down or I'm going to buy you a labia leash.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Hahah fuck. I keep looking to make sure that stupid line doesn't show up when my guards are down. Babies can sense fear.
we got kicked out of her coke dealer's house when we wouldn't stop quoting "a league of their own"
communist
I apparently pulled his dick out at the bar and started yelling "DICK PICS IN REAL LIFE!"
Don't mention it
Just endorse me for cunnilingus on LinkedIn
You came into the club around midnight with a carton of tropicana o.j. & said you were starting a revolution.
I'm still amazed at how you managed to get Doritos in my damn front pocket without me noticing. I got crumbs everywhere.
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