he was writing an apology letter to his liver in shakespearean english... That much fun...
we're ranked number 5 for having the most pot in the country for a university school. idk if i should feel worried or just plain blessed.
Just transferred the sun chips from that obnoxious Eco-friendly bag into a zip lock. Fuck the environment, that bag is loud.
I went from a chick that didn't like to have sex to one that can't get enough of it. I can't believe I'm going to say this but at 27 I think I need a happy medium
despite contrary belief, getting peanut butter off your balls is not as easy as it sounds
all i remember is screaming butter knifes are for pussies.
I'm too drunk to be surrounded by this many indians
How do you manage to be drunk and a racial minority so often?
Any parent would be proud to have a daughter that's a blowjob fairy
If you bring chipotle to my house i'll let you eat your burrito out of my vagina
Getting drunk before noon on a Tuesday. When did this become my life? Did you know that a six-pack of Smirnoff is 2 liters?
Also, I guess I made friends with the guy who caught me peeing behind a bush.
Do I lose at life if I cry in a grocery store while buying a pregnancy test?
Apparently I came into our room and told her that there should be a zipline from our window to Walgreens so that I could get chicken noodle soup
Oh I'm sorry does your girlfriend send you better pictures of things in her ass? No? Didn't think so. Remember that the next time you wanna complain how I don't make the first move enough.
I woke up to him watching me sleep and after I told him it was over he asked if we were still on for Vegas next weekend
Randomize
