Guess what? I had way too much to drink today. I'm properly wasted. Doing chores and playing video games while drunk. It's the nexus of stupidity and responsibility.
operation "beaches make me wet" is a go
There are not one, but two women wearing my boxers on the couch right now. You need to wake the fuck up.
It's not mothers day until you're vomitting syrup into grandma's toilet. Cherish the holidays
There is something depressing about eating toast in a dark living room by myself using a paper plate that says: "Let's Party!"
We found her on a strangers doorstep chanting "I know someone will let me in" it took 2 of us to drag her to the car.
just had Stella and stale goldfish for breakfast under the watchful eyes of an inflatable cactus and 5 llama pinatas. Cinco de mayo success!
I honestly think the worst part about the night is they just kicked us out of the park and we didn't even get to go into Disneyland Jail
My dad just bought me a 40. I consider this our peace treaty.
He has an accent when he types. I can *hear* the schnitzel. Especially when he's drunk.
I know we were going to go hiking today, but I don’t think I can face reality until Wednesday
Sorry this is the worst night of your life and that you're being a baby about it.
I just watched your sister pour half a bottle of cotton candy flavored snow cone syrup into a bottle of marshmallow flavored vodka, take a swig, frown, and pour a cherry coke in.
Just wait until she offers you a "powerita"
I gave her the last ten dollars to my name and bitch comes back with a six pack of bud light and a pack of sour patch kids
I stared at his dick and then told him to get on his knees
Randomize
