I'm just that much of a man that I can watch Ellen and Oprah back to back and still like girls.
is it sad that i think every plant i pass on the highway looks like a plant from farmville?
aparently we are going to have sex infront of her friend. ill call you tomorrow
He tried to carry her to her room after she passed out, but when he picked her up she came back to, saw him, screamed rape and pulled out her vuvuzela app and blasting it like a rape whistle.
Apparently I had an idea for a cooking show and then proceeded to throw cookies at people.
Just did lines off your face, congrats on getting in the magazine bro
Fuck morning classes and our weekday drinking habits.
I might've decided it was a good idea to try to steal all of the pool balls at the pub... I apologize in advance that we now need to become regulars somewhere (anywhere) else.
We passed my parents while I was giving him road head...that awkward
It's like past high you was looking out for future high you by rolling that joint and leaving it in your coat pocket. What a Halloween miracle
I made it with a guy dressed as Mitt Romney. I told him "you can't have my vote, but you can have my body"
Help me. My dealer just asked me to have a child with him. Sat me down for a heart to heart "he's almost 40 and losing his shit cause he's single and wants babies" talk. How the fuck am I supposed to feel about this????
I left myself a note saying 'buy a hamster but not an orange one like this pen'
omg so drunk
I JUST BROKE A NAIL MASTURBATING. WTF I could even enjoy my orgasm bc now I'm gonna have to spend $50 on my nails.
He wanted me to do the rubix cube. He thought it was hot.
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