I just walked through a room full of deaf people and farted i love deaf people
Question: If I woke up with one eyebrow mysteriously missing, do I shave the other one to match?
Just stole a pregnancy test from Wegmans because I didn't want to pay 13 dollars to find out my life is over.
I think hes settled down now. He's just licking the walls and the windows.
If she doesnt understand your inherent need to teabag an emo chick, do you really want to be with her?
You ordered 6 boxes of pizza and laughed in the pizza guys face when you didn't pay for any of them.
Yeah, he said he was getting "welcome back Winnipeg Jets drunk" then puked on his jersey.
Hes wearing a shirt that says warning shitshow and i cant help but think his attorney made him wear it so ppl know the dangers.
Whatever happend to that lawsuit where he got sued for shittig in that fish tank
I just dumped bong water and Bacardi out of my purse into the trash can. Everything in my purse is soaked. I hate Sundays.
I tripped while walking across the stage and while trying to pick my diploma back up my flask fell out in front of the dean
I think I'm leaving the streamers and balloons up from 4th of july till after he stops by. It'll be like the universe is celebrating his massive dick.
I hate how much more visible my vomit is on snow, I need a winter vomit bush
There's just something so liberating about drinking a beer with no pants on
I've had more orgasms than showers this week.
welp, we watched the human centipede high last night and my mind literally shut down, when i came to all i could hear was mel saying EAT EAT HIS SHIT
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