Mango Malibu should win a nobel peace prize
please stop telling ppl youre Alice Cullen when youre drunk
Just heard the new 'We are the world' ... Can I get my 10 bucks for Haiti back?
she went home with me because she said i reminded her of paul rudd. remind me to thank him for his awkwardness
He just stabbed two olives and a pickle with a fork and deep throated it in front of my family
Not even marginally surprised
She just kept screaming you name over and over. Im starting to think this is my alarm clock
It's one of the many facets of my drunken alter egos. I'm like substance abuse batman.
he said something along the lines of "fish can smell fear"
I was masturbating in my bed this morning when my ipod alarm went off and it started playing "show me the meaning of being lonely"
margarita monday on the first day back? my gpa is telling me noo! but my heart is telling me goo! I am conflicted..
I just want someone to shove bread from panera down my throat
too bad I'd hit a car before I'd hit a bush.
Are we talking about jumping from windows or your willingness to fuck a car instead of a woman?
My wife managed to convince me to not drink everclear by threatening to ban me from her vagina
She was drunk at Red Robin. She asked for more fries and then shoved them in her purse while saying "Come on bitches, you're coming with me" to them.
we found her on the beach half naked talking to a palm tree
Which half?
Randomize
