I wish there was a non-hangover washing machine that I could stick myself in right now
Wine smoothie.... Not as good as I thought it would be
Did you know even strippers have to have GED's these days??
i cant talk right now. we are trying to finish our homework so we can play with play-doh
all ill say about last night is that we tried to stop you. oh and the bus you're on is going to nashville.
youre not allowed to be friends with girls ive double teamed. period.
The guys had to come into the bar bathroom and pep talk us all off the floor
Yeah, but there's no serving sizes for dick.
I can't be 100% sure of this but I think tonight was the first time I told a middle aged woman holding a baby to go fuck herself
That moment half way through a run when you realize you have to take a giant shit. I was racing against my bowels that last mile. Now my sweat is suctioning my ass to this toilet seat. Enjoy that NSA.
I woke up with a thorn in my belly button. A THORN!
It's like the dark age of my sex life being stuck here
Just because you are home alone for the weekend doesn't mean you can act like a nudist.
I accept your opinion but respectfully disagree. Also, I'm sitting in your chair.
I woke up this morning cradling my vibrator like it was a baby
I don't know whether to cheer for the free bourbon, or cry from the screaming children.
Randomize
