He told me his condom was going to expire tomorrow and he needed to use it. I can't believe I fell for it.
Somehow I gave him blood blisters on his dick...I don't know if I'm that good or that bad.
Is moral bankruptcy something you need to file for?
We had sex under a tree in his boss's backyard, then I hooked up with his best friend. I don't even care how I got home.
Home safe. Took me everything not to stop and pick up some random cat that looked like an ocelot tho.
I'm not going to say what I did. You're smart enough to figure it out. But I did it. And you owe me 20$
Justin just used the term "industrial strength colon blow".
I told her to not worry about it. Lone Star is an excellent first trimester beer.
We can't go out this weekend. My uterus is so desperate it's given me permanent beer goggles
Tell me again why we had to Facebook stalk your therapist?
just so you know they found you begging for money at the L station. What the fuck did you drink last night?
If you're gonna show up unannounced on hangover day, you better have coffee doughnuts and a boner
Is it weird that my mother is taking body shots off my gf after meeting once?
Someone made a mask out of a crown royal bag. Can't decide if tacky or awesome.
Had a dream last night where I asked you how your Christmas was and your response was, “sex, man. Just lots and lots of sex.”
Good god. A spell so dry your friends actually commit it to their subconscious!
Randomize
