....ANDDD I just became confused during sexting and sent my mother a text describing a "porno-worthy cum shot."
I can die happy now, I have been kicked out of strip clubs on six different continents
Changed my sheets. Found a can of rockstar, crushed bag of tostitos, used tissues, and enough of both of our clothes to make a whole outfit.
I still think it's messed up that you're naming your kids after all the guys you slept with in college
She was eating whipped cream out of a plunger at 3 am in the morning. Yet somehow she still had an elegance about her.
That's why I don't chug things. Because when I was a freshman in college tequila came out my nose.
Oh you know, watching its always sunny and petting his cat and NOT fucking. I'm starting my whorefree 2012 resolution early.
I have a cut on my head from a tambourine.
woke up to see a man wearing a sailor hat and covered in vomit sneaking out the door. Epic night indeed.
SHE WON'T ROUND UP MY GRADE! I have a 79.8% I ONLY MISSED TWO CLASSES!!! ONE WHEN I GOT DRUGGED AND ONE WHEN MY CAR GOT BROKEN INTO!! I'm interculturally competent. I used to date a Italian/Cherokee Indian. I fucked a Palestinian. How much more pro-peace can you get?
I had a dream where I was about to fight you but you were dressed like a greek god and had just killed a werewolf with your bare hands
Did you high five my face last night?
Yes. Yes I did.
You kept saying "this bitch", mumbled incoherently for like 5 minutes, took a shot, and kept going.
I called you a cum goblin in my voicemail. I stand by it.
dave might be using McDoubles to pay for dances
he has gotten at least 7 lap dances out back
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