im on my way to getting "i just graduated college with no money, no job, and no plan" drunk
i just saw a white kid with an afro using a martini shaker as a coffee thermos. go college.
you spent the like half the night trying to figure out the puzzles on the back of the captn crunch box
smoking a cig and getting head on the last night of my cruise. and she doesn't mind that i'm texting you right now. this is now on my list of top 10 nights of my life.
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She went off on a twilight/new moon tangent before we even got back to my room. i had to jump the ship and pretended to pass out on the sidewalk.
I lost my phone so I put sticky notes all over my roommates body asking her to wake me up at 7:00 AM.
I feel like I've wasted too many painkillers on hangovers
Apparently my type is "guy whose parents had unprotected sex on Halloween". Last week was my ex's, my FWB's, and the guy I'm seeing's birthdays.
I'm so bored right now i'm literally Googleing all the possible ways to get high with household items as my mom is sitting in front of me..
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I come bearing gifts of whiskey and vagina
Looked like a bag of smashed assholes and smelt like a brewery - still got morning sex. Marriage rules sometimes!
And my nipple is sore from him biting it. That is not a complaint.
I mean, the night I fell out of that bus I made you pour vodka onto my wound to clean it, then duct taped a paper towel to my hand and kept drinking.
I tipped him really well because I feel he knew we were high, but did it in a non judgemental way.
This is why you are going on a date. To see if he is fun or if we need to shank him in the parking lot.