his status popped up and said 'probably going to jail.' it took everything i had not to press the like button
you were almost asleep and mumbling "your penis is on my cheek"
My T9 text prediction thing keeps predicting every next word is going to be "midgets".
I made a mac n' cheesicle. Better in my head than in real life. Gonna keep smoking to see if it gets better.
Thats two for two birthdays where I've gotten the "alcoholism runs in the family" speech
I had to throw up. it was the only way to avoid kissing her after she swallowed..
I'm going to try to be reasonable tonight and keep my drink count out of double digits
I woke up this morning at 8 to my roommates still drunk, hanging out on the roof, and screaming at bikers. They couldn't figure out why they were into it.
we're meeting twins and drinking tequila. i love life
No longer is one of my lifelong dreams to ride in a kangaroo pouch. You have eternally ruined that for me. Thank you.
Everyone should know the rule that if your dicks touch during a threeway you just make lightsaber noises and move on.
He's the first man I've met that knows more about Harry Potter than I do. He shops at Goodwill and has a Game of Thrones cookbook in his apartment. This is my soulmate.
I wish I may, I wish I might, get some daddy dick tonight
This is the third time I have overheard parents tell their children "don't be that girl" in reference to me. I'm either doing something horribly wrong or amazingly right
Anything special planned for Valentines Day?
Does testing the strength of my coworker’s marriage count?
Randomize
