true best friends attempt to put quarters in each others butts. Thanks for the best birthday ever!
Grandma was not a fan of the beer-can ornaments. Not "traditional".
Seriously. My exes act like they own shares of my vagina.
Well, in their defense, they have invested a lot of time and money
Frozen waffles and wine. Loneliness-party of one
She told me that as long as she kept starring at the freckle on her arm she wouldnt throw up
I'll wind up on his doorstep with a confused "oh you live here" expression, a feigned ankle injury and a seemingly fortunately placed bottle of tequila. I don't care what it takes: HIS MOUTH WILL BE ON MOUTH.
There was a bottle of vodka and chips in a vase next to the bed
If you ever bitch out on 72oz margarita night again, this friendship is over
I feel like if Miami and New Jersey fucked each other and produced a baby that would summarize the bar I'm in.
I took her to the bar and boom. All of my past slump busters were there. Shes cool enough to know what that means and said she was afraid they'd eat her so we left.
Someone want to explain the bottle of ranch I found in my pants
Y'all best leave this "I can only have a couple drinks" shit at the door. U don't drive to Yukon to have a shot. I'm getting u fuckers drunk.
I just smoked a bowl alone and took my Zyrtec here's to a full night.
Like its not even midnight and I've already had enough of her for all of 2015
IT WAS A FUCKING ELEPHANT I SWESR!!!!!
Nathan, I haven't spoken to you in 12 years and it's 6am. Kindly fuck off.
Randomize
