she was trying to give me a handjob in biology class while we were learning about the penis.
when I woke up I found a half-eaten cherry toaster strudel sandwich with bacon in the middle.
Dont judge me. He may have been ugly but he was INCREDIBLE. He's like the Susan Boyle of sex.
Come help me clean. I know we won't be getting our security deposit back...but I would like to move out with our dignity.
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She fell down the stairs and hit her head on the concrete. Then she stood up, flashed us and stumbled away. I forgot to get her number..
She's lying on the sidewalk wailing that she is gonna die alone, with hundreds of strangers watching us, and also we lost Kate, . Please help me
Is there a fine for having sex in the back of a zipcar?
i need to stop celebrating other people's birthdays like they are m own.. my body can't handle a birthday every week
THIS IS A FLATMATE WARNING! The white powder next to sink is washing powder I spilled and is not meant for human comsumption. I repeat- do not digest, snort or smoke the white powder next to the sink!!!!
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Showed up physical therapy hammered. The therapist just says this isnt part of the program.
He's the only guy without a tacky accent I've seen in this southern dump in 6 months. Bangage was inevitable.
You're such a Yankee.
you ever just feel like an organ is failing?
It's a race to see if I finish the bottle first or my homework
I may or may not have been feeling patriotic and banged Captain America in a closet. SPOILER ALERT: We broke his shield
Gotta say, self-deprecating Lord of the Rings-themed sex jokes were not on my agenda for today.
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