and you said cock pushups were impossible
Waldo just asked us for directions. Even he doesn't know where he is.
i wish there was a 'silent except for booty calls' volume level on my phone
It was one time. Now I have to constantly remind her my name is Jessica not Jizzica.
Lucky for you, I found your phone.....Not so lucky for you, it was in the bottom of your vomit-filled trashcan.
Just used my cancer results to get a free lap dance. Great day just got better.
I don't think he grasps the fact that I would much rather he finish inside me than on my $400 Anthropolgie bedspread
I thought of you this morning when I woke up in a bed with a girl wrapped in duct tape dressed as a coors light can.
I wouldn't have puked last night if I didn't inhale straight pepper from you shattering the pepper shaker on the wall.
She rode an inflatable shark down the stairs. Viva shark week.
You Just stopped dancing, looked at me and said "I'm gonna make it rain" Then shook the open box of crunch berries everywhere.
Id prob hit it, but i instagram edited her picture to make her look better. Ha. She should fuck me just for that.
He claimed he was the best ass eater of the south. He was right.
I need an outfit for the bar tmrw that reads I have daddy issues and would like a fancy sugar daddy.
when she didn't finish her burrito you wanted to call the cops because you said it was neglect
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