I'm sending you this that that when you wake up and see the girl sleeping next to you, you know who to thank
the sex was "jacking off to playboy" bad.
i dedicated my morning wood to you.
Tostitos scoops are the best shotglasses ever. Eat it after as a chaser.
I just found out me and my parents buy from the same drug dealer.
you should get a family discount.
definitely just fell out of bed trying to plug in my phone. when did laziness start getting painful?
Just realized I lost my social security card...maybe someone else will do something with my life
What shirt can I wear out that says 'I may have a broken arm, but it's not the one I give handjobs with'?
I just sit in the cubicle for 8 hours and do keagles.
Well at one point he got ahold of my archery gear.. And I. Shit. You. Not. Sarah took an arrow to the knee.
There is no amount of alcohol that can make me forget I had a Jimmy Kimmel sex dream
Please stop using me as a reference for bail bondsmen.
All I remember is sitting on your kitchen floor and playing with a banana like it was a viking ship.
Only a true best friend would remind you to make sure your cucumber dildo is organic
Gave a guy a blowjob in a convent. Place in hell is now secured...
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