Sex has been so nonexistent lately that when I was masturbating the other day, I actually paused to yawn.
Defrosting my mini wheats in the microwave was a bad choice
I was so high I couldn't tell if they were goosebumps or herpes.
Let's go to weight watchers and eat in front of them.
I'm drinking bacardi out of her mom's eco-green starbucks mug and chasing it with her sister's "for track only" vitamin water. Hello suburbia
You were telling me to give my phone mouth to mouth so it wouldn't die.. Should i be worried for you?
You handed some guy a spoon you found, he yelled SPOON GAME, and then the two of you spent the next 20 minutes throwing spoons all over the kitchen.
He asked if I wanted to "hang out"
A verb which here means "do lines off my dick"
Nothing says 'good morning' like waking up only to realize this chick was watching you sleep. She's crazy
When boys buy condoms it makes me feel proud of their mothers for doing a good job
Why does my jaw hurt?
I may have punched you.
"Douchebag of the Year" award goes to the guy who didn't reply to the picture of my tits.
He wants to tie me naked and spread out on his table, press a vibrator to my clit and feed me ice cream.
That is my stoner wet dream!
Well I'm a full service fuck buddy so lemme know if I can get you food or water or anything
My younger brother asked me "to stop fucking his girlfriends older sisters"
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