if you don't open the door right now liz is going to get pregnant
I've been thinking about all the girls in my life in terms of applying to college.
Huh?
I guess what im trying to say is that your my safety school.
between no blow jobs for the rest of his life, or no cheese for the rest of his life, he chose no blowjobs. ive never felt so bad about my bj abilities before
Just remembered throwing your phone at your face in a half-drunk stupor the other morning when your alarm went off. Thought I should apologize.
I wish I had a frozen water bed.
best. idea. ever.
There's always time for handjobs
when your 30 and im 37 and we're lonely and single, lets make a pact to murder each other.
Seriously, I look like I crawled out of a bog. Succeeding at being as undateable as possible.
You know just a typical night. Eating peanut butter off of tablespoons and having sex to our favorite Christmas carols. This is my favorite time of year.
I had to ask him for a dick pic. Do you know how refreshing that was?
I'm torn between regretting everything and regretting nothing.
Ok well my life just seems more exciting by default because I'm dating my married boss and sexting with my ex
He is a real estate investor who’s face I’m going to sit on.
I haven't even lived here for 24 hours yet, and I've already banged someone. My new hoe life is off to a great start.
Where can I buy a stripper pole at midnight on a Sunday?
Randomize
