Just witnessed a walk of shame by a guy in a half gorilla suit. It's going to be a good day.
Rooting for you and your team in the Beer Olympics this afternoon...! Love you, Mom
On my way home right now. I miss you. let's cuddle. whiskey.
He woke up, got my bottle of water and poured it on me and then went back to sleep. Not really how I want to wake up at 2 a.m.
Ive decided I'm sending thank you notes to all the bars for graduation.
It's 2:30 on a Friday afternoon. It's snowing and must be about 20 degrees outside. I'm sitting in this class with 300 people using up every ounce of energy and willpower not to puke all over the girl in front of me. This has got to stop.
My life is like a drunken tornado. All over the place and never passing up fat girls
You're fucking beautiful as shit and we should have loving sex...
I need to ask my mom where the drain cleaner is, but I'm afraid she'll ask why and the answer to that will just be "cum."
Do you know anyone with a stuffed cougar? I want one for a self portrait to hang in my house. A bobcat or lynx might work too.
Happy birthday, you long dick monster
You start to question your party girl tendencies when you're wearing the same shirt you wore the night before to work and you're trying to get last nights Jell-O shot off the sleeve on your way to work
You were drunkenly dancing with a statue you affectionately referred to as "The Captain." I wasn't going to deny your happiness.
Just woke up and read the text that drunk me sent you, i take it all back, and you can't have my power puff girl pillow either.
I met up with trey last night. He whispered in my ear "I love you" then raised his voice and said "but not in a I want to marry you kind of way, but if you died I would cry."
Randomize
