in the event that i am dead, my body is laying in the intersection of ... the pearl in springfield. it was my friend's 21st but i think i'm dead. wearing a black top. like i said, probably dead.
even through the webcam i could tell he was aiming for my face/hair
is this the sara with the beer cane?
She just flushed the toilet with her head inside it...
I swear they were about to hook up!!
I know because I was in the tub taking an imaginary silent bath. They stopped cuz I gagged on my shot.
Where did this racoon skin hat, stop sign and bag full of tacos come from?
Narnia or $5 pitcher night either way
One day this summer I just wanna get blown under the hot sun all day.
Deal. Roof-top 69 on Saturday, July 20th. I've got it in my calendar.
I just had a horrible epiphany. I have fucked girls younger than Star Tours
This text was so worth waking up to
Your niece just basically announced she's a whore on FB so you should feel pretty good about officiating that wedding next month.
When you wake up, I have a unicorn coloring book, crayons, mini cupcakes, and booze.
just bought myself a "your about to get violated in every way so you deserve this chipotle" steak bowl.
we're forecasting high levels of inebriation into the evening with dropping temperatures late at night
Also I ordered a dildo and I'm not sure if I want it still, so there might be a free dildo in your future
Look I'm really hungover so let's try this again. In 5 mins you're gonna call me and tell me that you're on your way with xannies, iced coffee and a back rub
I woke up on the couch screaming in pain. I don't know how ended up there or why my foot was double the size. all I know is I'm now in a cast and never drinking tequila again. worst hangover ever.
Randomize
