i was so high that i was eating crumbs of my bed only to realize they were fuzz thingies. fml.
update: the house isnt on fire anymore, but he is still pissing on all your stuff.
the house was on fire??
shit I thought I told you.
the bouncer made me realize that puking in line does not get you in any faster
Apparently she doesn't appreciate the significance of eskimo sisterhood as much as I do.
Girl your like that last load of laundry... I'll do you eventually just not tonight.
I made her a sippy cup with eggnog and whiskey. My meditation app told me to go the extra mile for someone today, so I did.
He pulled a condom out of his satchel and i questioned my entire life.
just saw sorostitutes streaking near the university president's house. thank you tequila day
ASS. GYMANSTICS. OLYMPICS. NOW!!!
I literally got so drunk last night, I texted myself "porpoises" and that was it. I have no recollection of this.
Wearing rip off pants to a booty call last night was one of my most brilliant ideas ever.
Within the first 2 minutes of this morning, I found out the Lions lost on last play, and Scott Weiland died. I wont be in today.
I'm determined to sit on that face.
Any idea why my ass cheeks are bruised again?
The fact that theyre bruised AGAIN means you're not adult enough to know why.
Going back to our hometown to help Gramma move. Thinking we should see if we can fuck on the desk of the homophobic coach who first introduced us while in town.
Randomize
