god i wish i could take a shit and a shower at the same time
I was curling my hair today and I looked at my curling iron and thought...
You at least unplugged it right?
definitely just fell out of bed trying to plug in my phone. when did laziness start getting painful?
Can you call him, he said something about going to the balcony to pee and now hes texting me saying hes lost
I woke up this morning next to a stack of saltines & a txt from u saying "do it." it took me a second to remember wat was going on
I'll wind up on his doorstep with a confused "oh you live here" expression, a feigned ankle injury and a seemingly fortunately placed bottle of tequila. I don't care what it takes: HIS MOUTH WILL BE ON MOUTH.
Tiny.
I mean tony. It's like autocorrect knows he wasn't well endowed.
It's like... Even my horoscope knows I had an awkward threesome last night.
You get home okay?
I'm pantless and in bed
That doesn't mean you're at home.
It's after midnight. I didn't find the answer to my problem, but I did find the bottom of a bottle of vodka, so... there's that.
Just remembered I railed lines while holding a puppy
His new girl is probably classy and boring. I bet she doesn't feed him sour patch kids while she wiggles his weiner.
I did cocaine with my cab driver all night. It was the best date.
You took one look at him and said "let's hope I don't remember this tomorrow" then you took another shot and chased it with a beer.. I guess it was a success.
just got back. in my inebriated state i broke an ugly lamp and was sent to the store (still drunk) to get a new one. just spent last half hour in isle 3 of dollar general surounded by more ugly lamps and trying not to throw up on each and every single one.
Randomize
