I made my friend ***** cry when I wouldn't let her call u for an orgy at 3am...I didn't think you'd be to happy being woke up
As of this morning, vodka still has the other side of my BFF necklace. She treats me right.
Then he wanted a handjob in the car. While my cousin was driving. To krispy kreme. And there was someone else in the backseat.
Jesus...So southern.
I think its safe to assume that the 40yr old undergraduate with purple and pink in her hair and a tattoo of the eiffel tower above her ass crack has never actually been to Paris...
I'd tell u there's strippers to make you get here faster, but that would be a blatant lie... There's strippers here.
Frankly, since I met you, I practically exist in a state of constant readiness for sex
My one night stand said I love you, opened my fridge, stole my cream cheese and left.
Then, he ate me out while I watched Bo Burnham. Best. Night. Ever.
Can I pee and smoke my bong at the same time or is that like eating on the toilet
I woke up and saw that my last google search was "Bacon neck".
i dunno dude, he took his shirt off and is rubbing jello shots on himself. i think he's done
Found Ryan’s keys in the fridge. On my way back.
Also, tell him he missed Nathan passing out in the dryer.
So I figured it out. There's two types of shitters. Moaners and grunters. And on occasion there's a third. It's the ill fabled grunt moaner.
THERE IS WATER LITERALLY DRIPPING OFF OF THE CHANDELIER. I OFFICIALLY HAVE THE WORLD'S WORST RAINFALL SHOWER HEAD.
If I wanna spend the whole night tied up and getting railed I'm allowed to do so
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