So the last day on the vacation I woke up in the bath tub. My mom said she asked me during the night what I was doing and I said, "swimming."
Now I know how you felt every time you had to listen to me have sex with a girl... mildly disguested yet marginally proud.
im really going to miss that car, so many blow jobs...
The last mom I slept with was the worst lay ever. Imagine fucking a hairy wet pillow for 60 minutes. Good luck with your milf. I was joking about the Susan Boyle comment btw.
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do you think a sharp knife would stab through a cheese suit?
I'd rather just be alone, than deal with this bullshit. I just want to be alone. Cats and vibrators never let you down.
Your dad just texted me? He said I needed to holler at him when I get up tomorrow. I honestly thought you had somehow gone to jail.
Just saw you in traffic. You may have noticed me, I was the corpse driving the white car.
Mixing coffee with vodka may have been a bad choice, I feel like I'm pregnant and the baby is trying to perform a c-section from the inside.
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It was like, once I started flashing you, I couldn't stop.
Sooooooo Your wife and your girlfriend are making cat noises at one another via text
When you sleep in the bathroom, you're no longer a guest.
Gave her a puke bucket just in case. She filled the bottom of it with tears. Super sad. Although I am super proud she didn't puke. That was a lot of Fireball.
My Uber driver last night was driving a taxi and tried to charge me fare.
You didn't get in your Uber because your ex was driving, that was a legitimate taxi.
Last thing googled on my laptop last night was vagina chaffing. What the fuck?
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