if you find a joe biden blowup doll in the attic, I call dibs
I can mark tailgating, going to the game and getting road head off my to do list today
he just booty called me in advance instead of waiting til 3 am when hes trashed. i think thats really considerate and gentlemanlike.
the best job he will get is a sex ed teacher in alabama
Last night drunk me texted a sure to be hungover me my class schedule and locations for today. I'm like a mom preparing her child for the first day of school
it's 8 a.m. and there are people having sex at the foot of the strangers bed i'm in. the guy just asked the girl how she lost her baby weight so fast.
Im so tired of dysfunctional exs fucking up my relationships with future dysfunctional exs
Oh and my new excuse for not being able to hook up is cholera, feel free to use it
I just realized the only way to play Edward forty-hands is commando in a skirt. This intelligence kick is really doing me justice.
My ultimate goal is to get laid wearing a horse mask... That would be awesome on all possible levels
You were drinking whiskey from a beer bottle i dont know what you really expected...
You blacked out at 9:30 and insisted on sleeping in the hallway after you chugged an entire pitcher of beer. I guess the Jell-O shots were stronger than we thought...
i don't think i have enough personality to make it through this date sober.
she walked up to me at the bar, kissed me, andthen declared "I HAVEN'T SEEN YOU OR YOUR PENIS SINCE 2011."
Why do I have a separate credit card just for booze? Because I saved enough points so Saturday we are flying to Denver to smoke legal weed and fly back in the same day.
Randomize
