All I remember was the chick screaming "don't hookup with him! His dick's the size of a cucumber"
We were sexting and then the radio announced robert pattinson would be playing kurt cobain in a movie and it totally killed the mood
I hope so. I just start to question my lifestyle when i pee on coffee tables
the cops who came hadnt heard yet. when we told them they sang the star spangled banner with us
If you wake up tomorrow and start to wonder.... Yes you did just eat mild sauce from taco bell out of the package while informatively yelling about the loss of my virginity
No teenage boy ever gets scared away from sex unless she is slipping a wedding ring on your finger or is killing your cat. I promise.
I wish I could remember her name, I mean we fucked and all, but it woulda been nice to tag her in the instagram pics.
Mixing coffee with vodka may have been a bad choice, I feel like I'm pregnant and the baby is trying to perform a c-section from the inside.
I guess I'm just gonna have to learn to live with the fact that I'm the guy who takes his pants off at the party and tries to start an orgy
I don't question myself. That's what I have you for.
I'm honored.
Like when your most normal sex dream is you being a prostitute, you know it's been one long ass dry spell.
I probably should have told her I was actually the drunkest one there before she let me pierce her ear
it's 1043 pm. still havent changed out of the shirt i wore last night so at this point i figure i'll go for twosies.
The hump and dump is a beautiful thing
I teamed up with my vagina. I compromised his morals and then she corrupted him for good. It’s been a very successful and slutty partnership
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