No touching my privates on the ride to school. Pinky swear.
We were having sex on the balcony and this guy walked by, so drunkily i said "dont move, he cant see us if we dont move."
do you know how hard it is to pee with a pumpkin in the toilet ?
He literally is quoting that 21 questions song, the 50 cent one. oh my god.
At what point during this road trip should I let them know I've been drinking in the backseat the whole time and can't take my turn driving?
I think the 8 yr old is hitting on me and they just prayed for the salvation of third world countries
I got blood in my smoothie but it still tastes ok. Fuck glenfiddich.
I guess she was just worried I'd end up sleeping with you again
It's not too late to disappoint her you know...
Turns out he has a 6pack too. Alright adorable snapchatting manwhore dude, you win.
WHITE RUSSIAN BREAKFAST CEREAL.
he came to me for relationship advice and we ended up fucking in my backseat
I seriously doubt this is the first time pumpkin pie has led to a booty call.
How many times is too many times to use the word 'fuck' in my thesis?
I made him cum so hard he couldn't play video games for like an hour. I've never been more proud of myself.
Did I fall last night?
I wouldn't call it falling as much as you tried to lay on the sidewalk and proceeded to hit it face first.
Randomize
