Theres a note on my antibiotics that says "Do not chew or crush. Swallow whole." I think that would be a good tattoo for just above my penis.
one more question, do you know why i woke up with 5 pounds of quarters, nickels and dimes in my pocket?
Walked into this guys room, saw a tickle me elmo under his desk with white stains in its mouth. This is awkward.
I seriously need 2 stop fake jacking off in peoples faces at work...the I.T. Guy just showed me the security surveillance tapes.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
dude she's married.
so? a ring don't cover no holes.
Promise me that if I become one of those sad people that facebook pesters you to 'reconnect with' you'll tell me so I can delete mine and save myself the humiliation?
just joined the mile high club. if this plane crashes because of this text, it was worth.
He tricked me...the first song on his sex mix was trey songz but the rest were techno....i can't walk straight now
It feels like I've shaved away my winter coat and my vagina is going to freeze if I go outside.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Just got my first unemployment direct deposit!!!' celebrating at the beach
Me toooooo!! Margaritas
I never knew being a drain on a functioning society would feel so good
Well when you get back to your computer, there's a nice explanation of pansexuality on your Skype.
So we just accidentally broke into a building from the third floor while carrying shovels. The security guards are still very confused
So my mom wants to hear about my weekend. How do I make licking cupcake frosting off your face while high not sound like just that?
Didn't think I'd be dancing with the Power Rangers but here I am
We're about to get drunk and it feels wrong without you
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