if you find a joe biden blowup doll in the attic, I call dibs
there needs to be a "man fax report". like car fax. type in the guys name and bday and up pops all the bad shit he's ever done.
I just saw a man vacuming his front lawn. What is this world coming to?
Ugh. my cast still smells like fermenting hot tub water and bad decisions.
You force fed me chocolate chips and avocados for 3 hours and kept asking me about my trip to sweden when I was 4.
Three Architectural classes: $990.00 Architectural supplies: $300.00 Changing majors and using my architectural supplies to roll blunts: Priceless
My makeup looks extraordinary for nine tequila shots, running four blocks, falling asleep with my face in the toilet, and doing the walk of shame across campus in the rain. And to think I'm single.
HOW AM I SUPPOSED TO GET MY FUCKING CUPCAKES WHEN THE GROUNDSWORKER I HOOKED UP WITH IS LOITERING IN THE VENDING AREA
Taco trucks are like ice cream trucks for drunk adults. They should have a mariachi tune they play super loud to bring people out of the bars for tacos.
my parents have to start far too many of our conversations with the sentence "this is an observation, not a judgment" than I'm proud of
I just audibly asked myself if i wanted to masturbate.
And then audibly agreed
After that song played in the club all he kept drunkenly saying was "Birdman goes brrrrrr"
his first act of 2015 was getting stabbed
Two old ladies openly mocked me this morning at drunk breakfast. Is it time to reevaluate my life choices?
Omg. I definitely just got hit on by my doctor AFTER he completed my pap smear which clearly showed I was in the middle of an outbreak. What. The. Fuck.
Randomize
