No matter how drunk I am, I will take the time to wipe a pube off the toilet seat.
Did you know Kal Penn works at the white house? That's almost white castle.
Apparently getting drunk, buying a guitar from your local costco and walking in to an open mic night is not the same as rocking out to guitar hero...
he left me a note this morning. it said "thank you for letting me touch you"
He told me to pick a safe word. I said 'cactus' and he said I wasn't taking this seriously and that I wasn't cut out for s&m.
My mom said that if she can come this weekend, she'll buy the weed.
New term. "Find a husband" fridays. It's like thirsty thursdays, but with a dowry.
Double vision is so hot when a big dick is in sight. Thank you Bud Light.
Well good for him for getting your number before he told you he had no money and needed you to pay for his drink!
Oh my god the guy at DQ just gave me the number 69 and winked at me
& he told me that I give the best head ever.. like can I get that on a medal?
You came into the club around midnight with a carton of tropicana o.j. & said you were starting a revolution.
My last Google search was 'can an impotent man have sex'. I don't even want to know what I did with that guy.
He almost got to me tonight but then I was like fuck it I'm going to dance with a teli-tubby on the bar so fuck you
She’s either doing coke or thinks my cock has the Covid vaccine. Either way I haven’t worn clothes in 3 days
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