If a fat man falls in the shower and nobody is in the apartment, does his pride still hurt? Answer: yes
Want any specific kind of beer?
Yeah. Alcohol flavor.
Got it. Anything but Miller.
i just licked my manager on accident and i'm freaking out
Because when I say 'You shouldn't drink anymore', she hears, 'I personally challenge you to chug 3 more mixed drinks'
Well, I looked over and you and him were each making out with a fireman. And then you switched. And you probably spent an hour like that.
Dad, is it in any way illegal for me to run around throwing handfuls of lucky charms at people tomorrow?
you're kidding right?
Touche. Dude, I fastened garters. Drunk. I deserve a medal from a drag queen.
Classic dick move. Breaking up your buddies 3-some by coming into his room and doing the Harlem Shake.
Remind me in the morning that I've now seen a guy do crack. That actually happened. I'm at the wrong party.
Shroomed with my best friend'a dad at his wife's surprise birthday party so you can say I have experience in the field
I'M CUDDLING WITH MY CAT AND THAT GUY SENT ME A DICK PIC. UNANNOUNCED DICK PICS ARE TERRIFYING AND MY CAT WILL NEVER BE THE SAME
I just trimmed my bush to manageable levels. I'm gonna take a nap and then get in there and finish the job.
she was puking nonstop out of the car window in the rain during our hour long drive back, we got lot of honks
On a scale of 1 to 10 how concerned should I be
My apartment looks like the apocalypse of sobriety.
Randomize
