two of my INSANE ex girlfriends just texted me saying their coming over because im home alone. needless to say, im deleting my twitter.
thought i was the most hungover person in class until i saw a kid puke into his bookbag...he wins
You spent about half an hour trying to convince me that mesh condoms were a good idea.
The usual. Woke up on a dog bed with peeps and $11.
Apparently I'm at the point in my life where I can wake up with a dick in my face and then go back to sleep
I think the multiple Sunday morning sirens outside my window are a plot by the cops to get back at me for the shit we pulled last night. Or I should move to a better area.
Now that we both have boys can we make up games that objectify them as sex toys?
2012 needs to end already. I've exceeded my quota for People Who Have Accidentally Seen My Tits.
If we had kids we couldn't come home, get high and watch porn together. And that's like the only reason I get up in the morning
Hey my dad gave me life the least I can do is take him chicken strips and a pack of marlboros.
Did you feel uncomfortable?
For a little while. Then I got really high and ate a bunch of animal crackers out of some dudes pocket while we chilled on their super comfortable couch.
Ladies, if you have recieved this text then you are one of the lucky few friends I have decided to make this proposal to. As you all know, my boyfriend's birthday is in two weeks and I have finally decided on the perfect present. Surprise threesome. Now, there can only be one, this isn't an orgy you know, so I will be rating the ideal candidates on bra size and sluttyness. Experiance will count, references if available. Inbox me your credentials so we can come to a...Satisfying agreement.
Some rando guy literally just put my shoes on and tied them for me because I'm drunk... Is this what it feels like to be a princess?
He had the same tone in his voice and look in his eyes that he gets when he says UFOs aren't real.
how did i manage to wake up with my bra on backwards?
Randomize
