I'm pants shitting drunk right now
I am drinking with my family and the average drinking tolerance is a shot and a half. I feel like the incredible hulk.
for our anniversary he stepped it up a notch and bought cool whip rather than the store brand. i was impressed.
Thanks for stranding me with th douchebag award recipients
We had like 4 guys come over and buy us all drinks as an excuse to hit on Kendra. Hanging out with her is now officially fiscally responsible.
Saw a guy in a chef outfit covered in mustard talking jiberish into his phone running across the skywalk.
Because it is about to snow, I sent him for Diet Coke and cigarettes. It's the gay version of milk and bread.
Is my lip ring still in your hair?
i knew it was time to leave the bar when i caught myself doing karate dance moves with a married man.
I'm really good at handling things like foreskin and speech impediments.
This is the weirdest negotiation ever.
This is what happens when two people with zero shame try to argue.
if I see a bottle of vodka right now I'll probably throw up gum I swallowed when I was a kid
You have to get it done early. Like a dick drive by. Hit it and run.
Wanna go on a picnic?
... by picnic I mean wanna sit on a blanket and drink with me?
Do you think it's illegal to drive without your pants on?
Randomize