You proceeded to call me a hoe and then informed me that Bear Grylls is and always will be more important than I am to you.
you would not believe what I got pierced last night...
son, I feel like that is a phrase a father never wants to hear.
Then we managed to set a grill and all 24lbs of meat on it on fire. I didn't help because I was filled with alcohol and extra flammable.
Listening to Joy Division and applying for Walmart. You get to choose which one is more depressing.
Everything in my purse is 100% saturated in red wine, which made it challenging to cover up my booze breath with franzia soaked gum
in a garage, wearing a toga, theyre debating the logistics of Coke Pong. If I don't make it out of here... it was me who stole your Barbie in the 4th grade- I've never forgiven myself.
I've never heard of anyone celebrating the holidays with a fuck buddies family before.
....I'll be expecting my trophy when I return.
Come on, without my personality, I'm a pretty good one night stand.
Well, he's moving. Now my only options are to accept it or fake a pregnancy; and since you are my only pregnant friend I'm going to need you to pee on this stick for me.
Just did coke off of a cross necklace and am headed to the strip club. Happy Easter!
I have a weapon and I'm not blacked out. Good as gold
Pants off. Spirits lifted.
I slept with someone only because he got my Simon Birch impression. It was a new low.
Why were you not born a dude?
Because god wanted to level the playing field
She told me the next morning I stared at her tits for like 15 minutes with binoculars from only a few seats away.
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