Most the numbers in my phone are mistakes. It's a virtual graveyard of people I should never pick up for.
in hindsight, $10 Malibu buckets were a terrible idea...
The only ground rules are no one is allowed to come who will say "no, that's a bad idea" or "what if we get arrested?"
Bro, I just want to tell you that I'm glad you got fired. I'm going to fuck your replacement.
I'm like the kid who wants his birthday and christmas equally. Every time I get one I want the other. Only I don't want holidays I want brothers
We picked up some guys dressed as shamrocks at taco bell. I will text you with further information.
Starting the weekend with a pair of pants on which the zipper wont stay up. Is this a sign of things to come??
Idk I somehow continue to get laid by pulling my dick out and reciting the 3 world country orphan kid commercials
They wont sell alcohol here on election day! HOW THE FUCK DO THEY EXPECT ME TO ENJOY THE ELECTION SOBER?
I ate vegetarian today, so I deserve a beer.That's my justification.
It's like you're the voice of my soul.
So we just smoked a bowl, out of an antler, with this old dude, while standing at the bar. Dude just walked up and said we were in his spot, just began packing it and handing it around...
I don't think he liked your vagina hand signal
if you were broke and planning on using koolaid as a tequila chaser which flavor would you pick?
I woke up and found that i was using my computer as a pillow. i had 53 pages of random letters on Microsoft word
Unless it has to do with ramen, goldfish, cheese, or rugby, don't talk to me.
Randomize
