Fell into a man hole last night. I've been bleeding since 11pm. Got kicked out of the bar for being bloody.
I think it's safe to say me, swords and vodka can never be aloud in the same room again.
Attention: due to the power outage we will not be playing drinking games and watching the royal wedding. Bring your own bottle and we'll just drink in silence.
You have not lived until you've seen your mother stumble into the house with one shoe on mumbling incoherently about tequila cupcakes.
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Also, we just got yelled at by a cop for being awesome...or making out in a fountain. Whatever.
Chicken wings don't come back up an through your nose as easily as you'd think
If she wants experimental lesbian sex, i call dibs
Let's get drunk and put things on the grill that have no right to be there.
Happy birthday, America.
Dont judge the spank bank, just be happy that you were deposited there.
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you're no funn. i shall go consult my friend vodka on this matter.
Also, I just opened Google to find the lyrics to California Gurls. Karaoke night did us dirty.
I decided to have a date tonight. Back on horse I go. Or aiming to be on a horse cock one day. You know. However that metaphor goes.
THIS MOTHERFUCKING ROOSTER
IT KEEPS CHASING ME BACK IN THE HOUSE
FUCK THIS BIRD
At the light, his mom pulled up next to us while I was giving him road head. He forgot to tell me she was meeting us at the movie. So long story short, I convinced her I drove myself, pick me up in 20.
Are you still in his room?
Nope, yogged home at 8 am with one shoe on.
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