my bf wants us to fuck our way into the new year.. how original..
btw i have an angry voicemail of you yelling at me to get you a sandwich or die.
I broke stuart's oven and showed up to the party with a squirrel.
she sent me pictures of 3 different vaginas and if I could pick which one was hers i could sleep with her.
I was always good at matching as a child.
1 be hot 2 flirt with everyone 3 use hotness to make people do things for you. It's a simple model.
By the end of the night I was using him as a leg rest and he was handing me pizza rolls when I wiggled my hand. It's a proven method.
The last thing I remember is teaching our waffle house waitress to do the stanky leg and promising the grill cook we would come see him at his other job.
I apparently insisted on hugging all the bushes and apologizing for pollution on the way home.
Just remember, if we get caught, you're deaf and I don't speak English.
My landlord showed my apartment to a prospective tenant today and I had my vibrator and gun both chilling on my nightstand
"I gave a guy a handjob last night, on a dog bed, inside a fireplace. It's going to be a good year."
She's chasing her own tail and is afraid of her own feet. My stoner cat, ladies and gentlemen.
just got permission to expense a nerf gun
PS- My flight is being emergency landed bc someone smuggled cats on the plane.
Floor bacon is actually really good
He just said "I know you want my cock" and I said nah. I want food bro