saw my dad's penis on the x-ray last night. at least his hip wasn't broken
She STILL went home with me even when I said yes when she asked if I had an infectious disease. Turns out she asked if I had an infectious spirit...well she has my infectious spirit now
My new excuse for sleeping with him was in celebration of his cat's birthday.
Haha he acted like he's never seen a tampon catapolt across the hall before
My niece just unknowingly cock blocked me. Obviously, someone won't be getting a christmas present this year.
Now have a vodka water and get your shit together
Hooked up with an Aussie chick last night only an Indonesian chick away from completing my lap around the pacific rim
In her drunkenness, she packed a bag with tequila, two shot glasses, salt, a knife, and two pears. She was prepared but too high to distinguish pears from limes.
I just won a riveting game of "who can drink the most vodka out of a hollowed out watermelon". Fucking New Yorkers.
His penis is small and he doesnt like Harry Potter. HE HAS NO REDEEMING QUALITIES WHAT AM I EVEN DOING HERE
I'm really glad that we can be casual hook up buddies. This is a true friendship. Now, please convince your roommate to do the same. Thanks.
I imagine my service panda will provide sufficient protection. At the very least it will be an irresistible cuddly distraction while I make good my escape.
It's that whole "half Japanese, half asshole" thing. My brother and I have found that people really go for that
I'm gonna have to shit in a bar again tonight
he woke up this morning, drunk as fuck, butt ass naked, and he had left grandmas gun on the counter and doesn't know why.