please tell me I'm in your upstairs bedroom. Just google mapped myself and I have no idea where I am.
dude, i just saw a bobcat while i was rollerblading this morning
1 dont ever text someone @ 8am on sat. 2 dont ever admit to rollerblading past 1992.
he kept kneeing me like he was playing footsies... only then i realized it was his dick.
My 10 year old brother handed me a pack of condoms and said "here, i don't wanna be an uncle yet."
I just found your spare underwear and the half eaten granola bar you left in my purse.
Can I have my ID back now or are you using it to crossdress again?
Swear to god, if I have to wingman for you on my honeymoon I'm gonna be pissed
We were making condiment sandwiches, then her husband kept trying to get me to sleep with her. I hate being the only lesbian at the party.
At some point tonight the bad ideas in my head became bad decisions that happened outside my head
Tomorrow may or may not be a problem cause i'll be wonder woman for a halloween party aka i'll be fucked up & try & jump off of shit thinking i can fly
We need to step up our tailgating...they're here drinking out of a prosthetic leg
Drunkenly, I gave him a molly instead of an aleve so A) I'm still looking for him and B) I'm not sure about his headache.
well at least you didn't have your nipples chewed last night
Turns out he's actually a she. Might keep dating her just to see Mom's reaction.
She said "Im going to hug you" tried to give me a hickey then said her life sucks and started to cry.
Randomize
